I give all of July a 10/10. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Mentally. Spiritually. Relationally. It is all good in my soul.
Physically. I’m 8 months trached, and I am finally used to it and comfortable with it. I love not gasping for air and overall feel well.
Emotionally. I am well. I don’t get sad near as often and genuinely experience joy and happiness on the regular.
Socially. My social circles have shrunk considerably out of necessity; however, the relationships I have are rich and fulfilling.
Mentally. My mind is clearer than ever. My ongoing practice of meditation has gone to the next level, and I am more in tune with myself and the world around me than I have ever been.
Spiritually. I am more connected to the Oneness than I can ever remember as I am effortlessly wrapped up in the flow. I feel more connected to creation and people than ever.
Relationally. If there is one area that is challenging, it would be in the arena of relationships. I had one friend write me off because my beliefs about some things changed. I have a lot of grace for this though because up until 2010, I had the same problem of writing people off because of their beliefs. And I have another relationship that is quite strained, and I have done what I can and have to let things play out.
We now have 5 caregivers, Andy, MK, Britley, Gentry, and new to the team, Becca. I call the team Andy and the girls. Andy calls the team four 9’s and a 10. Caregivers are the backbone of this operation and make our lives doable.
For the first time since my diagnosis in April 2020, I finally feel like myself again. I am building rhythms back into my life such as wake-up times, meditation times, times to write and spend with others and Kris and the kids.
I recently told my dad that for the first time since diagnosis I finally am starting to feel like myself again. He then asked me how can you feel more like yourself when you can’t move a damn thing? I didn’t have an answer for him and needed to process it.
As I have been thinking about it, I have come to a few conclusions. I am more than my body. Bodies are nice but I can live and be me without it. In addition, I am content. Three and a half years ago I could eat and walk and talk and breathe on my own. Now I can’t. That was then. This is now. And I won’t live my life looking in the rear-view mirror. There is too much life ahead of me. So, I can feel like myself again because what I could do with my body did not make me who I am. Those things were mere extensions and expressions of who I am. I am still me without those particular expressions. So, I am myself, only a reborn version.
And honestly, I like my reborn version better.
I will be 47 in September. Originally, my doctors told me I wouldn’t make it to 48. Now I say, “Hold my beer. No, seriously, hold my beer. I can’t hold it.”
I do have the best doctors though. At clinic this month I told my doctor I wanted to make it to 2030 to see Zoe Moon graduate. He said, “Why not 2040 or 2045?” I then explained to him that I have to check when my life insurance expires because I need to expire one day before that. But his optimism made my day.
As always, thank you for your prayers, meals, financial support, and more. We could not do it without you.
Thank you for being here for it.
Life is a beautiful clusterfuck and love is here.
love.